


remember who you are

by SNES



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Lots of Crying, M/M, Minor Lee Jeno/Mark Lee, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 19:57:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17209934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SNES/pseuds/SNES
Summary: Na Jaemin's road to self-discovery.June 9, 2015 to June 15, 2020in a series of acts.





	remember who you are

 

**_ 06/09/2015 _ **

"I just want to know what it's like to kiss someone."

Na Jaemin is 16 and lying on his bed when his best friend admits this to him. For someone their age, it shouldn't be alarming to be wary of those things. It's like their parents say: _Puberty_. But it's weird when Jeno is the one who's worried about those things. He doesn't always seem like he cares.

The younger boy sits up and looks at him as his lips quiver. It occurs to him that he isn't joking. "Why?" He asks, a little bothered, but all Jeno does is stare at him like he's surprised that he didn't know. "Dude?"

"It's a normal concern."

"Not for you it isn't."

"Come on. Don't you ever crave that sort of thing? Everyone our age-- I mean, practically everyone I know... they all have these wacky stories about making out and... stuff... and it's like I always have to be the one to listen to them. It makes me feel like I'm some hopeless prick."

"But you aren't..."

"Yes, I am." He says. "Getting laid is one thing, but nobody wants to even kiss me. Not even a small peck on the lips. That just means I'm a loser."

 _You are not a loser._ He thinks. But instead, he says: "Who even cares?"

"I do! Do you think I'd be telling you if I didn't?!"

"Name one relevant person who's had a first kiss." He dares. "No looking names up!"

"All of them."

"I asked for specifics." He raises a brow.

"Yukhei." He says without hesitance. "He had his when he was thirteen. _Thirteen_ , Nana. I don't think I even knew how to hold my fork right or tuck my shirts in at that age."

"So what? Yukhei can have his first kiss at thirteen. It doesn't make him less of a dumbass than we are, though."

Jeno laughs. "That makes a lot of sense. But still--"

"You're still going on with that stuff?"

"It's just worrying to think about!"

"Well," he gulps, mentally slapping himself for what he had to say. "I can kiss you."

"What?"

"Well, you're so forceful! If you want it so much, you can just have it. From me, that is."

"That's a very odd thing to say."

"But that isn't a no, right?

"You can't be serious."

"I am hella serious right now, Lee Jeno."

"So you're telling me you're completely fine with having me as your first kiss? Need I remind you that you're going to live your whole life without ever turning back from this?"

"Who cares?"

"If this doesn't absolutely scar us both in the future then I don't know what will."

"What the hell, Jen? It's just a kiss. I'm not selling my soul to you or something."

"You might as well be."

"Fine by me! If it can get you to shut up about kissing, then I could do just about anything!" He scoots beside Jeno, playfully pursing his lips. The other boy cringes.

They stay silent for a moment, their hands flopping around one another as they struggle to find middle ground. Jeno's hand lands around Jaemin's left arm, shaky.

"I'm nervous." Jeno admits. "'Cause you're... Na Jaemin. You know, you're like everything that matters to me right now. And I mean it. You're every thing that's good." Jeno tilts his chin up with his other hand. Jaemin feels a little queasy. "This sounds really fucking sappy, but even if I don't always make it clear, just know that it's important to me and I will always mean it. Really." That did sound like something that would make a lot of sense in a couple of years. He liked the feeling of that, being _everything_ to someone, but it was probably meant in a way that didn't mean the whole universe like it did to Jaemin.

Jeno continues. "It's just, what if I lose you over this? What if you're like, _this is awkward_ , and decide you don't want to talk to me anymore?"

"Well, if you're nervous, don't be. You don't have to worry about all those things, because I promise you I'll never let them happen. Do you seriously think I would?" Jaemin smacks him on the shoulders. "And besides! It'd just be like kissing your mom!"

"I think that's worse."

"I mean, it doesn't have to be now, right? We could always..." Jeno knew then that he had to say something else as fast as he could. Jaemin was never the type to back out.

It was so easy to say: _I'm just joking around. I don't actually want one._ But instead it came out as: "It's not like the other kids our grade haven't--" but he can't find himself to continue that either.

Jaemin looked so done with him in that moment, because he was breaking a fine line in their friendship, but he just said, "Then only once."

"Okay." Jeno takes Jaemin's hand in his and takes a deep breath. "This is fine, right? We could have... bragging rights. About finally having our first kiss, but then no one would ever know who."

"Just get on with it." Jaemin exhales, his breath hitching ever so slightly.

Jeno swept Jaemin in his arms, face inching closer and closer. Jaemin leans slowly, feeling soft breaths against his lips. Jeno tilts his head to the side before flashing the most reassuring smile as he closes the gap between the two of them, planting the softest kiss on his lips. Neither of them move for a moment as they let the feeling sink in. Jaemin feels very red and hot, but the cold fingers that keep tapping on his arm make him feel a little calmer. Every press of Jeno's finger to Jaemin's skin meant something massive, something too nerve-wracking for Jaemin to fully comprehend.

Jeno moves as little as possible, but Jaemin shoots back anyway, his face red and mushy from his own icky sweat. He looks down, wiping at his own mouth before he hears the other boy chuckle a little.

He curls his brows. "What?"

"Nothing, sorry." Jeno shakes his head.

"Why are you laughing?" He asks, but he finds himself laughing a little too. "Are you laughing at me?"

"It's just funny."

" _Bad_ funny?" He breathes out.

"No."

"So how was it?" Jaemin asks him. He starts fiddling with his fingers as he waits for the other boy's response, suddenly floored by how anxious he was over something that usually didn't mean much to him. For a moment, he realizes that Lee Jeno might not just matter like a best friend to him.

"Pretty good." He says, playing with his own fingers. "It was..." he repeats. "It was pretty good."

He smiles. That relieves him.

 

 

He is Na Jaemin. He's _pretty good_. And that's fine. Completely fine. 

 

  
** _03/31/2017_ **

  
Jaemin sees the way Jeno looks at that senior; soft blush across his cheeks, calm brows, a slightly open mouth, small quirked lips and the brightest glimmer in his eyes.

It's not the same way he looks at Jaemin, not even close.

"Jaemin," he calls for him during their lunch break. He already knows what he's going to say.

"It's about the senior, right?" Jaemin inquires. "Mark Lee?"

"How did you know?"

"I'd be surprised if everyone else didn't."

"What?" He squints. "Was it that obvious?"

"You think?" He replies in a sly tone. Jeno pouts at him.

"He's just so nice." He starts. "Every time he passes by the halls he never forgets to greet me. Then he always has a smile on his face and he always seems so mature...even more than Yukhei, and that guy's like... the same age as him."

"I think," he holds his head up through threaded fingers. "You should go for it."

"Like, talk to him and ask him out?"

"Yeah!" Jaemin pats him on the shoulder. "What? Don't tell me you don't want to."

"I do."

"So go for it?"

"Yeah." He nods slightly, much to Jaemin's feigned amusement. "Maybe I will. So do I just go up to him and tell him I like him or something?"

"Uh, no?" Jaemin rolls his eyes. "You got to build up the conversation. You can't just stand in front of him and tell him you want to get coffee and chill and shit. Unless looking ridiculous was what you were going for."

He stands up from his seat, fixing his hair a little before facing Jaemin. "Wish me luck, then." He slaps Jaemin's hand a little harder when they settle for a high five, maybe out of nervousness. It was all too sudden but five seconds later, Jeno was already dashing out of the cafeteria.

Renjun sits from across him three minutes in, plopping down his tray on the table before speaking. "What's Jeno up to?"

"Why?"

"He looks like he's in a rush."

"Oh," Jaemin winces. "He's going to ask out that senior. You know, that one he's been secretly eyeing for the past month or so..."

"I thought you were joking about that."

"Well, now my assumptions have been confirmed. He's head over heels for the guy."

"What!" Renjun gasps, exasperated. "You're kidding."

"I'm not." He sighs. "What-- do you _want_ me to be kidding?"

"But that's not realistic. At all." He says. "Jeno-- he's obviously in love with you."

He laughs at that as if he hasn't heard it a thousand times already. "I think you're all blind."

"Well, if it's not Jeno who's in love with you then you're probably the one in love with _him_." Renjun jokes, but it seems too real to ignore.

"That's nice to hear, thanks a lot. You knew that way ahead of me." He points out sarcastically, to which Renjun replies:

"I'm saying this for real, okay? You and Jeno have practically been boyfriends since 1st grade. The rest of us _fags_ haven't been so lucky."

"Ah, Injunnie... just eat your food, hm?" He concludes in lieu of having to explain his anxiety to the other boy. It's not like Renjun hasn't read his mind already anyway.

The rest of his day had been a disgusting blur of an afternoon. It was nerves, mostly nerves. He took his time to try and digest what would happen if Jeno actually did manage to confess to that guy, and if he successfully asked him out. He was ecstatic for his friend, but he can't help the generalized anxiety that dawns over him and seeps into his skin as he thinks of what might happen. He pictures it clearly: A black cloud looming from above him. A suffocating feeling, like freezing himself to death in cold, cold showers. _Age-old questions_. What if Jeno forgets him? What if Jeno doesn't turn out to be the same after it? The thoughts in his head pile up until they're all one big whopping mess of a question mark.

If Jeno succeeds, what then? If he decides he doesn't need Jaemin, what then? And when Jaemin realizes he can't do a single thing to fix it, _what then?_

 

  
On the way home, he drapes his arm over Jeno's shoulder and asks him how it went. The other boy shrugs a little before chuckling.

"He asked me out,"

"What!" Jaemin is giddy, although only a little surprised, mostly terrified of the things in his mind. Jeno was, in many ways, practically irresistible. No one could ever avoid his personal charm.

"I guess I told him I thought he was really nice, then he was like _oh, well, you too! You should come to my party next Tuesday night_ and like, of course I told him I'd be there--"

"Wait, a party?"

"Yes, a party."

"Jen, what about your parents? They'll be worried as hell!"

"Well, I don't know. Let them worry! We don't get this chance all the time... besides, he told me he'd come look for me. I mean, he's practically begging for me to go there. If that doesn't do it for you, then..."

"That isn't something you'd normally say."

"Really?" Jeno says it like he doesn't know it, which scares Jaemin a little. There's a bite to his tone that isn't usually there.

"Okay, it isn't nice to think about." He says. "You, going to this party... I'm actually really worried."

"Should I care what you think? Mark is expecting me to be there. Why do you want to hold me back? It's not like I'll do something reckless."

"I guess it's a little weird..." he admits. "But, you know, you're right. It's just... whatever." Jeno detaches himself from Jaemin's arm, surprising him. Jaemin's eyes go wide.

"Yeah," is all he says. "It's whatever." He feels Jeno's rage float through the air, waiting to be acknowledged. Despite this, neither of them do.

It suddenly dawns on him; how different his priorities are from Jeno's. He starts to wonder then if he's still even half the Jeno he grew up with or if he's become a completely different person without Jaemin's knowing.

He looks at him and he just knows it's not the same.

Well, that makes sense.

 

 

He is Na Jaemin. He's just the guy that probably knows Lee Jeno better than anyone else.

He is not Mark Lee.

 

_**11/21/2017** _

It's late at night and Jaemin is lying on Yukhei's bed with Jeno. The party crowd and the wild events happening downstairs have yet to dissipate, but he already feels sort of worn out. Instead, he takes a good look at his best friend. Jeno's eyes were sore and he already looked like he was going to pass out from crying any second, but he hasn't told Jaemin a single thing even when it's been hours.

Mark Lee just broke his heart, and it would make a lot of sense that he's the only one left to comfort him right now, but he still can't stand the damn atmosphere around Jeno. It's the one thing in his life that's been growing worse and worse with time, even though it's the one thing that should expectedly stay the same.

He lies beside him, petting the messy part of Jeno's hair as he waits for him to even say a single word. He knows that trying to coax anything out of Jeno wouldn't work, but then again he doesn't know Jeno all that well anymore.

He tilts his head to look at the older boy. Jeno blinks once, twice. Jaemin just narrows his eyes and giggles.

"Hey, do you remember our first sleepover?" He says. Jeno only shakes his head a little. "When I got a little scared when I went to the bathroom and the lights flickered on and off on their own, so you held my hand and let me keep my stuffed toy on the bed so that I would feel safe?"

Jeno looks at him with a sort of dead sparkle in his eyes. Jaemin would do anything to keep that spark lit.

"Remember when we stayed up all night with Injunnie? You know, when he couldn't stay awake, so the coffee he was drinking went out through his nose when he shot up? That was pretty funny." He's pretty sure that happened only months ago, but even that feels so far away. "Or that time when we were kids! When we teamed up on that kid in the playground 'cause he borrowed and lost your Buzz Lightyear toy in the sandbox?"

"Why are you telling me that?"

"I don't know. I just miss doing those things with you." He admits. It's disturbing to hear himself say, because it has real weight to it; it's not just empty talk. "Like, the sleepovers. The playground-- when we were kids, and even all the video games we'd play at your house every weekend. Don't you? Don't you miss it?"

He doesn't respond. Suddenly Jaemin feels a little torn apart.

"Jeno, don't you remember how good things used to be?" He holds Jeno's hand. They feel cold. "Do you even remember what I'm talking about? Do you even remember me?" He says the last part jokingly, but it's the only part that feels oddly real.

Jeno pulls his hand out of the younger boy's grasp. He shakes his head. "I don't know." Jaemin feels his heart hurt, and he struggles to hold himself back from breaking down. "Not anymore."

"Oh," he mutters. "I guess that's--" his voice cracks. "Understandable." He struggles to sit up, feeling the tears form on his eyes.

"Jaemin." He finally speaks again.

"I think I should just go downstairs, get you some water then head back home--" he picks up his jacket from the floor and wears it as fast as he can. He doesn't feel a hand yanking him back, doesn't hear anyone stopping him, but he yearns for it anyway. Because he can't leave things like this.

He walks as slow as he can to the door, not wanting to let go. Jeno isn't moving an inch, which was probably a sign in itself. Jaemin just didn't want to believe it. He screams in his fucking head; no coherent words, just jumbled shouts of all the things he was afraid to lose.

His world stops when he turns over to the door and spots Mark, of all people, standing out the hall.

"I-is Jeno there?" He looks baffled, hair a little messy and sweat trickling down to his chin. He forces himself to be the nice guy for one more time.

"Yeah, he's... right there. On the bed."

The guy doesn't even wait to be told twice as he stumbles through the bedroom door, bumping against Jaemin as his voice slowly loses volume. The last thing Jaemin hears before leaving the scene completely is a small sob and repeated apologies coming from inside the room. He starts to wish he wasn't there in the first place.

The burden on his chest weighs his whole body down as he creeps down the stairs. He manages to flash a smile at everyone who greets him, but in reality he's too close to breaking down and he doesn't know what to do.

Yukhei is the only one who notices this. His hand creeps up Jaemin's shoulder, a worried smile on his face. "I'll walk you home."

"It's fine." He grins at him. "Just tell the others I already left, okay?"

He seems hesitant, but Jaemin doesn't wait for his response.

He runs for the door and lets the cool air sink into his skin as he walks back home. There are people looking at him and cars passing by and stopping to ask if he's okay. He doesn't know what they're on about until he realizes that he was already sobbing.

 

 

He is Na Jaemin. He's the guy who keeps crying his heart out, but only when he's sure that no one's listening.

 

**_07/30/2018_ **

One cold night two weeks before Jaemin's birthday, he embarks on a midnight snack run with Jeno. He is sitting on the passenger seat of Jeno's worn-out Corolla, talking about the city lights and the buildings they pass by and every other song playing on the muffled radio. He takes them to the Burger King drive-thru and orders two whole boxes of chicken nuggets. A brand new conversation about nugget dip ensues between the both of them. Jaemin thinks to himself: _Everything is alright._ And there is no reason for things not to be.

His resolve starts to crumble, though, when on the way home Jeno decides to tell him three words he didn't expect to hear so soon. "I'm leaving the town."

"What," is his dumbfounded reaction. Jeno isn't looking at him anymore, as if he wasn't bothered. "What? How?" He repeats, but he knows he doesn't need an answer. It was fucking obvious and Jeno just didn't want to hurt his feelings.

"I was just thinking about things." He shrugs. "For the longest time, I imagined what it'd be like to live a life somewhere else, you know? I just want to try new things and stuff like that. Haven't you thought about that shit? Like, what if I find cool people? What if my life finally takes a complete left turn? What if I find the right person for me? I can't achieve those things if I stay here, Jaemin."

The distance between them that cultivated for years became more and more evident with every passing second that Jaemin couldn't make up a response. He's suddenly hyper-aware of the way Jeno's hands fiddled around the steering wheel, of how it must've been a pain to confess all the things he said. He's probably made out the words to his own explanation a billion times before finally telling Jaemin tonight.

In the spur of the moment, Jaemin tells him: "Is it because I like you?"  
  
He almost shoots up from his seat then.

"What?" He chokes out. "Nana, what the--"

"I always have. For the longest time."

"I didn't--"

"Oh, but you did."

"You don't even know what I have to say--"

"I can't blame you. It makes a lot of sense. If I were you honestly, I'd stay a hundred miles away from myself, too." _Stop making this about you._ He thinks to himself, but the words come out like vomit.

"Don't say that."

"Then what should I say, Jeno? Should I just say I'm glad that you're leaving? That I've always wanted you to? That I'm happy for you even though it hurts me more than you think? Or fucking yikes for God's sake?" He shouts. "We've been best friends for years! I was starting to doubt that ever since the party at Yukhei's when it all started going downhill. It wasn't the same since then. You were always busy being this guy I couldn't reach anymore. And the one fucking time we actually get to be like what we used to be in a very long time, you tell me you want to leave things behind and start a new life somewhere else--"

"There was no better time to tell you--"

"Oh, so you knew this was going to be the last time we would talk like this? You knew I'd be angry. Why didn't you just knock at my doorstep and tell me what you wanted to say then drive off? That'd be a lot easier to take in."

"I'm not leaving you behind, Christ! I'll be far away but it doesn't mean we'll stop talking."

"That's a tad hard to believe. You're barely even a block away from my house and it's already started to feel like you were always a whole universe away."

"That's your fucking problem." He hisses. "I never saw anything wrong with where we were. You just keep wanting things to stay the same when they were destined to change."

"Don't make that damn excuse, fuck you. Just say I was dragging you down and leave it at that."

"Aw, fuck!" Jeno presses the honk on the steering wheel, causing the younger boy to flinch out of intimidation.

"What now?!" He shouts just as intensely.

"You know what, if only I knew you were going to be this butthurt I would have never agreed to kissing you." Jaemin's jaw drops a little wider with every word, the rage seeping through his nerves. He wonders why the argument had to go back to that time.

"What the hell..."

"If only I knew that you were taking advantage of that moment. _Oh, my sweet Jeno wants a kiss! What kind of a friend would I be to not use that to my advantage? He barely knows I like him, so it'll all be good in the end!_ You weren't hesitating because you actually fucking wanted it, you lying--"

He bangs on the window as loud as he could, crying. "How could you say that?! Are you even the same person I grew up with?!"

"Shut the fuck up and listen to me!" Jeno hits the car brakes then before making Jaemin face him, the latter now a sobbing mess. It makes the other boy feel a little guilty. Jaemin shouts as loud as he could, the intensity of his voice quaking Jeno back to their reality.

Jaemin wipes at his own tears, but they keep flowing and flowing out. "I don't--" he hiccups. "I don't fucking know who you are anymore..." He hits the older boy's chest weakly. "You're not Jeno... You're this foreign... _thing_. You're everything you said you would never be."

"People fucking change, Nana. It's not something you have control over."

"It's not something I want to fucking control!" He shouts, before tearing up even further. "I wouldn't bat a single eye if I knew it was good for you. But all you've ever done is-- hurt people, and g-get hurt and cry 'cause you fuck things up. And forget I'm there."

Jeno's grip on him softens.

"You know I've always been there. But you always keep me in a corner or leave me in the sidelines because you don't think I'd get it. For the past two years all I've been doing is trying to understand why you do the things you do but I always fail. That's all I want. I just want to feel you and get you and fucking know what goes on in your day and-- love you, and feel like I shouldn't be sad that you can't love me back. But it's like I can't even have that."

"Jaemin--"

"Just take me home." He sobs out. "Take me the fuck home."

Five minutes pass in total silence. Jeno parks on their driveway as he waits for Jaemin to step out of the car. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know why he decided to let the quiet linger. His thoughts are flushed out by the influx of the word _goodbye_. It's the only thing in his head when Jeno grabs his hand and asks if he's okay, but he doesn't know what else to say but goodbye. _Goodbye. Goodbye._

"Goodbye, Jeno." He says as he steps out of the car. He doesn't look back. He can't help but think that if he did, that wouldn't have been the last time he saw him.

He waits until the familiar sound of Jeno's car engine slowly fades away before he opens the door to his home, barely even making it to the kitchen when he starts to slide down against the counter and break down.

 

 

He is Na Jaemin.

He's not even sure what comes after anymore.

 

_**06/15/2020** _

It's cold inside their art studio today... for many reasons.

Renjun stayed up all night to finish his oil piece and could not stand the smell of Linseed oil mingling everywhere. Leaving the windows open didn't do much, so in turn, he flicks the button on the airconditioning on but forgets to turn it off when he headed home in the morning. It ticks Jaemin off more than it should, but in his many years of existence he learned that getting ahead of himself and his anger in many instances never really did him any good.

Instead of letting that get to his head, he pulls out the gold flake packets on his craft tray and starts manually adding them onto his mosaic self-portrait with tweezers. He hasn't been making art for a long time, but he knows Renjun is right. It didn't matter if you were good or if all you could ever put out was trash; Art was a good way to vent things like your feelings or emotions out, especially if the person who once occupied that place is in a town far away from him and has been gone and out of touch for almost two years.

He shakes his head at the thought of that. Maybe he does miss Jeno a little. But the guy's living his best life he was supposed to have with Jaemin elsewhere.

"Hey," Renjun peers at him from behind his easel. "Do you think adding some grey on this would be better? What about a muted violet or something?"

"You should add the whole rainbow, Injunnie." He mocks. Renjun throws a dry paint brush at him.

"Forget I asked." He rolls his eyes, standing up and patting down his apron. "I'll head outside for a while, okay? I need some fresh fucking air."

"Alright, Injunnie. Can you also drop by to get my coffee at the café, sweetie? Thanks! Stay safe! Mommy loves you!" Renjun flips him off, much to his own hilarity. He keeps laughing until he hears the door swish open and close just as forcefully.

He almost goes back to working on his piece, but it's not even a second later when Renjun bursts through the door again, no coffee in his hands. His eyes are blown so wide it's like he saw a damn ghost walk in fucking daylight. He's huffing like a lost dog for some reason, which was unlike him. Jaemin opts to ignore him.

He's a bit alarmed when Renjun starts to power-walk until he's beside him, his grip on Jaemin's shoulder almost strong enough to figuratively crack his bones. Renjun is oddly silent, which makes Jaemin wonder if he _did_ see a ghost.

"Jaemin, I need you for a moment." Renjun practically drags him out of concentration. "Come look at this."

"No, you didn't see a ghost." He deadpans. "Now could you please--"

Renjun stares him down before pinching his cheeks as painfully as possible.

"Ow!" He hisses. "Injun, I'm in the middle of something here!" But it's like he doesn't hear him. "I will douse all of this glitter on you if you don't quit dragging me!" He keeps yanking Jaemin towards the window before he starts to say anything else.

"I just need you to confirm something for me. I know I make a lot of stupid assumptions but..." Renjun says as he pries the blinds of their studio open and points outside to reveal a familiar boy standing out the road. "Is that or is that not Lee fucking Jeno standing outside of the studio right now?"

 

 

  
It's freezing bright outside, the cold yet fresh breeze swishing through his hair. He pulls his painting apron off and tosses it over his shoulder. It falls right onto the messy puddle of rain beneath him, but Jaemin doesn't care.

Jeno meets him halfway. "Hi," he starts. "I'm sorry I--"

But Jaemin doesn't wait for him to finish. Suddenly, they have their arms around each other, and all the tension seems to have dissipated and melted into the air around them. He puts his face to Jeno's neck and smiles against it, feeling his long lashes grow wet with tears that were kept in for so fucking long. Jeno smells like chocolate and cola, the exact same way he always did when they were still children playing in the backyard, when they had their first kiss, and even when they had a massive fight and stupidly agreed to never seeing one another ever again. Jaemin cries and cries as he relishes in the familiar feeling of Jeno's embrace, finally feeling like a lost part of him has finally been retrieved as he's dragged back into Lee Jeno's hell of an orbit.

"Jaemin, fuck. I can't--" Jeno murmurs this against his neck. He tears up at the feeling of Jeno's tears trickling down his clothed shoulder. "Jaemin, you know I love you, right? I love you, so fucking much. And I'm so so sorry for-- being an asshole and not realizing you were hurting any sooner and--"

"Hush..." he says it so softly that it was barely a whisper. "Don't-- just-- I was never angry at you. I could never be. You... you knew I waited."

"I had a feeling." He forces the tiniest little chuckle out, and it felt like coming home, like starting over.

They stand there on the side of the road, surrounded by the random remnants of their shitty small town life as they hold onto one another like it was second nature.

And suddenly, he remembers, that night back when he was 16 years old, on the bed, when he realized he was capable of something so big and life-changing and destructive but also very beautiful, very real, something astounding and marvelous.

 

 

He is Na Jaemin. And he is everything that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave kudos or even a comment!!! id love to know what yall think abt this !!!
> 
> lol this is probs really messy and angsty from my point of view lmao bc i started writing this at a time when i was feeling v dysfunctional and just really sad and not doing well in general so i guess u could call this a mood piece???? is that how it works??? lmao this really really helped w making me feel better but i still doubt that i did good ksklsksjdhjdh anywayss
> 
> this is my third fic in this fandom and probably the last i will make before the year ends awww its been an absolute blast writing nomin and i hope yall look forward to more fics from me!! (if i do make any more lmao) happy new year yallll


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